How I Eat Different Foods

We did this experiment in elementary school, I think in first or second grade maybe, where we ate an apple and then traced the outline of the core when we were done. Our teacher then described the various core outlines that you can make when eating an apple and told us what that said about our character. I don’t remember what mine said about me, nor if what the teacher said was more than voodoo science, but it did make me aware that I eat nearly everything in some sort of repeatable pattern. Or maybe that experiment caused me to do that. Who knows. Either way, I do eat things the same way. Here is a description of the various ways that I eat different kinds of food. Some general rules first: Save the best for last and most foods shouldn’t touch each other unless they’re designed to be mixed (example: refried beans and rice). I also mostly eat one thing at a time, so if I get a burger and fries, it’s not uncommon for me to eat the burger first and the fries second.

For hamburgers, I eat around the perimeter of the bun first. If there’s no bacon on the burger, or if none of the pieces of bacon are hanging way outside the edge of the bun, I’ll take off the entire outer perimeter and then look for the juiciest bite of the interior and work my way around to it in a circular pattern. If there is a piece of bacon dangling way out in the danger zone, I’ll still eat the burger in a circular pattern, but I’ll leave that edge piece for the end, instead working my way around the outside in a decreasing radius until just that bite is left.

For pizza, I’m looking for one of two things. I’m looking for the toppings (usually pepperoni) to either be all up on the crust, or nowhere near it. For the pieces with toppings on the crust or really close to it, I’m eating the crust/topping combo bite last. I attack pizza from the tip of the triangle like a normal human, eating my way evenly toward the crust until my next bite would take me into the toppings on the crust, so i shift toward that side, alternating between crust and toppings until I’m at the last bite. If the crust is isolated, I shear off all of the toppings and eat the crust on its own like a bread stick. If the pizza is cut into squares, I start with the four little all-crust corner pieces, work my way around the rest of the outer crust pieces, and finish with the no-crust pieces in the middle. I look for the piece with toppings right on the corner and make that the last bite.

Burritos are pretty straightforward. I start with a corner and work my way down in even rows until I get to the last row or two. From there I try to isolate a corner with the most filling left and eat it into a square that has two sides of tortilla and two exposed sides of filling. Then I douse that bitch in hot sauce and finish her off. For the rest of the burrito, hot sauce is reapplied at each new bite layer.

Salads are a bit trickier. For salads, I’m trying to get some toppings and some dressing on every bite, but my goal here is to leave a fork-full of all of the toppings in a puddle of dressing at the bottom after the leafy greens are all gone.

Steak is probably my most inconsistent. Here, I’m just looking for the tenderest looking bite. Where I think that is dictates how I get there.

If I’m able, I eat cereal with buttered toast. I fill the bowl up to the brim with cereal and fill it half to two-thirds of the way full with milk. I eat the cereal until there’s a decent-sized pit of exposed milk. At this point, I pause the cereal eating and dunk the toast into the milk hole a bite at a time. This occasionally requires some maintenance cereal eating to keep the milk hole large enough to accommodate the toast without too much cereal sticking to it because remember, no food touching. Once the toast is gone I resume eating my butter-milk cereal until it’s gone.

A grilled chicken breast dictates that I save the crunchy narrow tip at the bottom for last.

For any soup with meat in it, I think it’s obvious that you have to leave one piece of meat for your last bite of soup.

For any sort of non-burrito wrapped sandwich, straight top to bottom. It’s too difficult to predict how all of the innards ended up being arranged.

And lastly for an apple, I start with a bite right out of the middle with the apple turned sideways. I get one full ring around the middle, and then I start taking the rest of the skin off of the top in sequential bites. Once the top skin is gone, I mirror this on the bottom. This leaves the middle of the apple a little fatter than the rest of it, so I eat that down to the core and seeds. I go back in to clean up any little scraps near the top and bottom and call it a day.


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