Here Is My Guidance

Dear Donald,

In your acceptance speech after the election, you said “For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few people…I’m reaching out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify our great country.” I am one of those people who didn’t support you. I still don’t. I’ve never liked you, actually. Before I dive in to my guidance, per your request, I want to clarify my dislike.

You’ve always been a narcissist and a bully, and one of the most dishonest, disingenuous people I’ve ever even read about. You tout yourself as a billionaire but I don’t think that you actually are, not even on paper. I think if you really opened the books we’d see the Ponzi scheme that you’re running, acquiring debt on one business and shoveling it onto another, skimming a bit off of each one for yourself. But the perception of your wealth is more important to you than anything. You even told the New York Friars Club that the one off-limit topic for your roast was your wealth; they couldn’t say that you had less money than you said that you had. You bully people for the slightest of slights against you. In general, you’re just an empty shell of a man. I see in you a perpetual failure. I think you see it in yourself. You see the fraud that is your privileged start, your economic advance on swindles, some legal, others probably not. And while it’s impressive compared to the average Joe, it’s a failure of where you should be given the tools you’ve had and where you started. So I didn’t really flinch when we heard tape of you telling Billy Bush that you just grab pussy (he got fired by the way). I wasn’t horrified when you mocked the disabled reporter Serge Kovaleski. None of your bombast moved me, because I already knew you. You were just being yourself. I share this so you can know my bias, and hopefully better understand where I come from.

As for my guidance, I’ll break this down into three sections. The first will cover things that you absolutely must do in the name of decency and democracy. The second, things that would actually win you favor from liberals and Democrats. The third are things that I don’t think that you’d do in a million years, but would actually turn my personal opinion, and would give you a legacy that may actually overcome that nagging voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough.

Must Do

  1. Shut down any and all things relating to Hillary Clinton’s various “scandals.” And I don’t mean not pursue it, I mean publicly declare that she isn’t a criminal, that she isn’t corrupt, and clear her name. This is a must because it’s a fundamental underpinning of our republic; we have free and fair elections with no fear of retribution for our ideological differences. Even if Hillary is the guiltiest person in the world (she’s actually completely innocent, if you care), you’ve put yourself in a position that forces your hand.
  2. Apologize. To Mexicans. To women. To Muslims. To all decent humans, really. Tell us that the purpose of an election is to win it, and sometimes that causes candidates to say things in the heat of the moment that they don’t necessarily mean. You’ll be eating crow here, because a frightening amount of people really liked that you rolled out the red carpet for them to share how they secretly feel. We’re already seeing protests by people who have a singular message; they are afraid. You can do a lot to put that at ease with just words. And you can do the same for your supporters painting swastikas on buildings and leading racist chants inside high schools. In fucking high schools. You did that, and now you need to undo it. Set a tone of zero tolerance. Don’t leave any room for interpretation.
  3. Delete your Twitter account. I shouldn’t really have to explain this one.
  4. Immediately start back-tracking most of your ignorant ranting about how you’re going to treat other countries. Start with Mexico. Then the Middle East. Immediately move to Europe, specifically, our NATO allies. Our country is so interconnected with the global economy that we are inseparably linked to our trading partners and defense relationships. If China thinks that you’re serious about the currency manipulator status, all of the blustering in the world won’t save you, or our country, from them flooding the markets with our bonds and instantly pushing us into a depression. Eliminate these doubts.
  5. Surround yourself with the best and brightest, not only your allies and current GOP names and faces. You’re already failing at this. You railed against the establishment, and then hired goddamn Reince Priebus as your chief of staff. You idiot. And on 60 Minutes you claimed that you don’t have any other choice because that’s all that there is in Washington. That’s bullshit. You can find good people who aren’t already scum. Some of your difficulty is your own doing. Look to the left. A benefit of your narcissism is that I believe that you really do want to do a good job. Some of our best presidents in history have hired their opponents for their staff. It kept them balanced. You need that. Do not hire your children. Not even to clean out trash cans.
  6. Hand your personal assets over to a blind trust. Anything less will just look like a scam on the American people to put more money in your pocket. You’re good at misdirection. On that same 60 Minutes interview you said that you’ll decline the presidential salary because you don’t need it. It would be extremely disingenuous, but unfortunately not illegal, if you used your presidential knowledge to enhance your private wealth. I’d also ask that you distance yourself and your family from your various businesses as much as possible. Hire another CEO. Promote staff that isn’t family. Building some kind of wall seems really important to you; build a giant one between yourself and your money.
  7. Don’t build a goddamn wall between the US and Mexico. It won’t work and it will only make us, and you, look like complete idiots.
  8. Stop being critical of the media. It’s not actually biased, but your followers listen to you for some reason. If you undermine our free, unbiased media, you’re eroding another one of the pillars of our democracy.

Things That Would Show You Actually Care About Liberals/Democrats

  1. Include Democrats in your cabinet. There’s no better way to “work with us” than that. It’s not unprecedented at all. As I mentioned above, some of our best presidents have done it. It’s unlikely that you will be seen as one of our greatest presidents at any point in the future, but doing this may help you stay off the opposite list.
  2. Appoint a moderate Supreme Court justice. They can be right-leaning, but get somebody to the left of Scalia.
  3. Actually get term limits through. Mitch McConnell has already given you a taste of how little respect the president can get from Congress, so this is the one time that I would fully support you being your normal asshole, bully self to get your way. Make that guy’s life hell until Congressman can’t spend more than a decade of their life on Capitol Hill.
  4. Don’t approve the Keystone XL pipeline. It doesn’t create any jobs, it just benefits the Koch’s.
  5. Don’t go through with your idiotic tax plan. This isn’t even for Democrats, this is for the country. I know that you’re used to declaring bankruptcy, but we are unable to do that as a country. Your mention of closing loopholes sounds excellent, but leave the brackets alone.
  6. Also, no tax holiday for repatriation of funds. FATCA is already putting the screws down there, just leave that alone to do its job.
  7. Do not repeal Dodd-Frank. You can screw with it a little because some of it is bad, but repealing that act would be like entrusting the recovering heroin addict with guarding the supply of heroin.
  8. Fire James Comey. This will be hard because he well may have handed you the election, but the fact remains that he is an FBI agent who influenced a federal election. I’m not going to Google that, but I’m pretty certain that’s against some manner of code of conduct. He has to go. Okay, so I Googled it, but I didn’t actually read that link. I’ll read it later. I can’t help myself.

Moon Shots

  1. Appoint Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. He would already be there if not for the shitty establishment, so give those Capitol Hill douches the middle finger and appoint him.
  2. Shut down your Twitter account. I can’t stress this one enough.
  3. Tell your voters who long for good-paying factory jobs that they just aren’t coming back, but give them a path towards jobs relevant in today’s economy.
  4. Show genuine humility.
  5. Do any three things that Pope Francis has done. Just pick any three. I’m not Catholic, but that man is amazing.
  6. Guarantee funding for Planned Parenthood and tell your supporters that they’re not an abortion factory. A lot of women in the US have relied on them at one time or another for general health services. If you are truly pro-life (I don’t believe that you are), this is a surefire way to keep abortions DOWN, since they provide education and contraception for women of all stripes.
  7. Take a literal moon shot; restore our space program. Promote STEM in general. Piss on your own business background, dissuade kids from playing sports, and make it seem glorious to be an intellectual person who builds the things that make the world work. Give these people rock star status.

So there it is. I’m sure I could come up with more if I thought on this longer, but I’ve already given you more of my mental processing time than you deserve. My last Moon Shot ask would be to surprise me. Don’t be the colossal piece of shit that I think that you really are. Stop giving fake, thoroughly rehearsed interviews. Be genuine, if you even remember how to do so. Use the great gift that was given to you to meet people who are nothing like you, and let their life lessons change you for the better. I hope that you’ll be a successful president. Not in the context of completing your agenda, which seems like a dumpster fire, but in improving our country. I disliked your campaign because you said that we need to make America great again, but that implies that we aren’t great now. While I could write a novel that would make Dickens go “Damn dude, cut some pages out,” on the things that should be better in this country, we’re still excellent in many regards. If we focused on those things that are tragic that we’re behind on like infrastructure (literally the only smart thing I think you’ve said so far), education, healthcare, family leave, and tax fairness (and by this I mean that the rich are under-taxed), the rest of our problems would sort themselves out. Or we would sort them out, because we’d be a smarter, happier, healthier society. And you can help do that. Just don’t fuck it up.

Sincerely,

Bret

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